Dessert By Candy

Slaying My Demons

I have been feeling a little better after a successful and fun-filled road trip to Detroit last weekend. I did not let history repeat itself and that by itself felt empowering (such an over-used word). I feel like I take control of my own life once again. Not only that, I did so in an upright and honourable manner.

It is very important that I do not let my stress get out of control. When I feel like myself, it is a little easier to treat him just as one of the many people I meet every day. I do not like how my emotion would be so affected by a person who is not even involved in my life. I still have some de-programming to do but I hope that I am at least making tiny improvements.

I'm still getting over a cold from last Wednesday. I'm itching to bake again but I need to be completely healthy first. I'm no germophobic but I don't feel too incline to treat my friends to my baking when I even have a hint of illness. My next recipe to try should be a gingerbread white chocolate blondie.

I Hope This Is Not A Relapse

Patterns can be down right scary. I have not been feeling good about myself recently at practice and this feeling of negativity is beginning to snowball. The last time I felt in a similar way was back in September before a series of important races and it accumulated into me getting dumped. Of course, being single now, I know that I would not get dumped this time around. However, the very sight of him is giving me all kinds of horrible feeling that something terrible is about to happen. Of course this is an illogical fear but the mind can be a strange little thing sometimes. I must have learned to associate him as a physical representation of rejection, embodiment of the idea that my ailment makes me an unlovable person.

I cannot stand this.

I cannot allow myself to fall into the same trap again yet I do not know what to do. I'm not in a very good place right now.

Magic Blondies

Making blondies into individual portions using a muffin pan appeared to be a rather nice idea. That was the main reason that drew me to this recipe. However, a regular muffin size of this dense treat packed with coconut, chocolate chips, cranberries, and walnuts is just too much. I think a mini muffin size would work much better, not to mention a shorter baking time.

I think the cookie part of this blondies stray a bit to the dry side. The addition of crunchy coconut and walnut highlighted that as well. Without some moist ingredients (I'm thinking majool dates or black mission figs), I feel like there's something missing. I will probably take the idea of shaping blondie/brownie batter using muffin pans but apply it to another recipe instead.

Rocky Ledge Bars

Bar cookies are easy and streamlined solution to holiday baking. Brownies are obviously one very successful example of bar cookies but then there is also its less well-known cousin, blondies. I have yet to figure out exactly what qualifies as a blondie but in most cases, it is a soft chewy bar cookie based on butter and brown sugar. Just like brownies, you can literally throw in the kithen sink to make the cookie as over-the-top as possible. The Rocky Ledge Bars from Martha Stewart's Cookies is one fine example.

Packed with marshmallow, dark chocolate, white chocolate, butterscotch chips, and caramel, this cookie seems more like a candy bar to me. The butterscotch flavour is quite overpowering which does make this cookie special (I like butterscotch). Cost-wise, it is not a cheap cookie to make with all these add-on ingredients. Personally, I think the richness of this cookie means it is best served in smaller portions with a strong cup of coffee. However, with so many chunks of toppings, a very sharp knife is the must-have tool to get very clean cuts. I'm not sure I really like this treat as a cookie though because the cookie really take a backseat to everything else. I think it makes a nice little addition to my holiday baking for the sake of variety.

Banana Walnut Chocolate Cookies

My annual Christmas cookies baking is typically one of the largest baking project I take on every year. During those couple of weeks, my house fills with the fragrance of butter and sugar and spice. However, the planning begins much earlier than that. Throughout the calendar year, I test out different recipes looking for the gems that yield tasty and pretty cookies. By the time November rolls around, I know exactly what I want to make based on earlier experimentation.

Since I purchased Martha Stewart's Cookies, I've been in a baking mood because there are plenty of recipes that entice me. I tried making the Banana Walnut Chocolate Cookies (p. 170) last night. I was intrigued by the recipe's use of mashed banana because instinct told me the cookie dough would be too wet. The use of old-fashioned rolled oats gives this cookie the structure that it needs to offset the moisture in the dough. However, that is also where the problem lies. When I scoop out the balls of dough, the oatmeal could not be evenly distributed in every piece obviously. As a result, the cookies all had different degrees of spread once baked. The cookies tasted moist and full of banana flavour, reminiscent of a cross between banana bread and oatmeal chocolate chips cookies. Unfortunately, the non-uniform appearance makes this recipe a less-than-ideal candidate for Christmas baking. 

Stripes

As a teenager, I used to have a lot of clothes with stripes. I love the geometry of the pattern, the constrast of colours, and the imagery associated with stripes fashion (think stereotypical Parisian women with their striped boat-neck shirts and a scarve). Well, that love affair ended abruptly when I looked in the mirror one day and noticed how unflattering (aka fat) I looked in my striped shirt.

It's been years since I last purchased any tops or bottoms with stripes though I found different ways to incorporate this pattern in my wardrobe. My sock drawer, for example, is filled with stripes knee-high socks and arm warmers of many colours. I wandered into American Eagle Outfitter yesterday, a store that I have not visited for a few seasons. I guess it must be the anticipation of summer...when I saw all those shorts and t-shirts, they really brightened up my mood. Sensibility told me that I'm too old to dress in such "spring-break appropriate" attire but I figure I will likely need some casual clothes to play in the warmer weather anyway. So I picked out this striped wide-neck hooded t-shirt and striped shorts just for kicks.

In the fitting room, I was surprised to see that neither of them add any visual poundage. I think the fitted but not sausage-tight shape has much to do with it. In addition, the t-shirt has a longer bodice than normal which goes well with the low-waist shorts. In general, patterns are best used as an accent piece in the entire outfit. So for example, if I wear a striped shirts, it would be best to keep the rest of my outfit in solid colour. However, mixing this striped shirt, shorts, and knee-high socks seem to work in an unexpected way. All I'm missing now is a pair of classic red Converse and I'll be all set for summer!

Confused

In the last few months, I've slowly regained composure in my life...enjoying activities that I engage in and savouring the little things that bring a smile to my face. Those are undeniable improvements. My mood is less affected by what he does nowadays. As for those unavoidable interactions? Well, they are few and far between so I don't have to keep my poker face for long.

However, I have not yet let go of the animosity. I cannot make sense of the rejection and it still leaves me feeling like there is something disgusting about my personality that I have to hide, to correct. It really messes me up because I try so hard to be a fabulous girl in every way possible, every day of my life. It feels like someone is whispering in my ears that I am a phony...I can try all I want but I cannot fool anyone when they inevitably find out the truth.

I am still waiting for my turn to fall out of love. I still care a lot about his well-being and that totally sucks, for lack of a better choice of words. Perhaps it's my imagination but I think I am hearing some snickering. Affections that are unreturned are simply wasteful energy. Besides, caring about a person who causes me so much pain is yet another thing that I cannot make sense of. I need to be smarter than that.

So I've been living in this state of confusion for quite some time. I know what I want but they contradict each other. Strictly speaking, I'm on the right track and eventually these confused feelings will fade into the background so I no longer pay attention to them. Things are not exactly peachy but hey, it's been worse so what is there to complain about?

Financiers Variations

I wrote about my love for financiers long ago. This cookie is definitely something I enjoy making just as much as devouring. For anyone who makes dessert regularly, you probably run into the problem of having leftover egg whites from egg yolks-only recipes. My favourite recipes for crème anglaise, pastry cream, ice-cream, buttercream, even butter cake coincidentally all use six egg yolks. This six egg whites recipe for financier conveniently uses up all the leftover so I don't end up wasting anything.

Financiers are very versatile when it comes to food pairing. They are wonderful companion to strong tea or coffee. Though I would just as readily serve them with a creamy dessert.