In the last few months, I've slowly regained composure in my life...enjoying activities that I engage in and savouring the little things that bring a smile to my face. Those are undeniable improvements. My mood is less affected by what he does nowadays. As for those unavoidable interactions? Well, they are few and far between so I don't have to keep my poker face for long.
However, I have not yet let go of the animosity. I cannot make sense of the rejection and it still leaves me feeling like there is something disgusting about my personality that I have to hide, to correct. It really messes me up because I try so hard to be a fabulous girl in every way possible, every day of my life. It feels like someone is whispering in my ears that I am a phony...I can try all I want but I cannot fool anyone when they inevitably find out the truth.
I am still waiting for my turn to fall out of love. I still care a lot about his well-being and that totally sucks, for lack of a better choice of words. Perhaps it's my imagination but I think I am hearing some snickering. Affections that are unreturned are simply wasteful energy. Besides, caring about a person who causes me so much pain is yet another thing that I cannot make sense of. I need to be smarter than that.
So I've been living in this state of confusion for quite some time. I know what I want but they contradict each other. Strictly speaking, I'm on the right track and eventually these confused feelings will fade into the background so I no longer pay attention to them. Things are not exactly peachy but hey, it's been worse so what is there to complain about?
